When Life Throws You a Curveball, Make Lemonade.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Moving on to uncharted territories-at least for me

Well I guess it's official that I'm not a dedicated blogger.  It's been almost two years since I've been here.  I've traveled a lot of ground in the past two years.  Now life is taking me on a new path, one that I'd never planned, but one where I know my God leads my way.

About 5 months ago my youngest daughter broke the news to me that she was pregnant.  As a mother of daughters, you know that it happens. You see it all around you, yet you never think it will happen to you.  You did everything you could to give your kids enough love that they would make better choices.  You brought them up in church, you provided them a loving home with a mom and a dad, and you hoped that they would feel loved and secure enough that they wouldn't have the need to seek the love and attention that they weren't ready for at such a young age.  You may have even made mistakes in your past, but you hoped that these mistakes made you aware and wise and could help you prevent your daughters from making mistakes of their own.  You might have even thought, arrogantly, that you did a good enough job that it would never happen to your family.

If there's one thing that I've learned as a mother, that God has taught me over and over, you NEVER say never.  I can pretty much laugh at that now.  It took having two sweet little girls that smiled and laughed and loved each other and sang Jesus songs to make me a very proud mommy.  I wondered what the fuss was about. I homeschooled, for heaven's sake.  Parenting wasn't that hard.  Why can't other mothers keep their children under control? 

Then God gave me my son.  He was the cutest baby boy I'd ever seen, and he won my heart the day I laid eyes on him.  That boy loved his mommy and his mommy loved him, but God used that sweet baby boy to humble his mommy's heart.  He didn't sleep through the night until he was about 10 months old, and he only began this because I got so exhausted trying to quiet him to sleep that I began to let him "cry it out."  That was putting it nicely.  Really it was "screaming and banging his crib against the wall-ing it out."  He destroyed everything in his path.  He came home from mother's day out every single week with a note saying, "Did not play well with others."  How embarrassing.  What kind of mother was I?  Don't get me wrong.  I loved my baby boy.  He just debunked my position as perfect mother. Ouch, pride! Yeah, I didn't have this motherhood thing figured out.  At. All.  

But then God had mercy on me.  Even though I had it all planned that my husband and I would have two girls and then two boys:  My son was 3 and was manageable, and my two girls were older and could help me with their little brother. And surely my experience with one boy would prepare me for another one.  Thankfully, God had other plans.  He blessed our family with a beautiful, curly-headed princess.  She won our hearts and we all doted on her.  Even when she threw fits or cried because she couldn't get her way, we all thought she was adorable.

She got older and older, and got to the point where she just couldn't find her way.  She lashed out and hated her parents. She threatened suicide.  She ran away from home.  She turned to others to fulfill her and love her, innocently thinking that these other people could make her feel whole.  She made mistakes that so many others have made before her, and her mistakes caught up to her.  Now she was pregnant and didn't know where to turn.  She had friends who had been down this road.  One had placed her baby for adoption, and one had decided to raise her baby on her own.  Both did what they felt was best for their baby.  Thankfully, my daughter bravely decided to come to me.  I'll have to admit, I didn't take it well.  At. All.  I was furious at my daughter doing this to herself, to me, to her dad, to her siblings, and to her innocent baby.   Then furious for thinking for one second that at 15 she knew the first thing about raising a baby.  Are you kidding me?  She's still a baby herself!  I decided in one split second that she would not keep her baby.  She would place the baby for adoption, and that was it.  End of discussion.  

Enter God.  Oops!  Forgot to ask His opinion.  Okay, self.  You've been down this road.   You tried to figure life out on your own before.  You thought you had all the right answers.  Welp,   God had other plans.  And so begins my story.